The anniversary of Dads death is coming up quickly… Nov 26th to be specific.
Im starting to feel it already… The sadness is creeping in slowly, little by little, like a thick fog.
Do I just take it in? Feel the sadness? Shed some tears??
Or do I go with the norm..hold it in? be strong? try to forget??
I don't feel like this about my mom this far away. A few days before maybe. but not a month.
Maybe because its the first year. or the way he died. I haven't been to the grave yet. I don't think I want to go, but then I think I should.
My plan is to get a tattoo for him on the anniversary . I don't know if it will make me feel better, but at least I will have physical pain to go along with the pain in my heart.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Sunday, July 13, 2014
This has NOT been fun…in case you were wondering
On Wednesday I went and received the Methotrexate injection for this "baby" problem I've been having.
I was supposed to go in, have a shot, get some labs and leave. WELLLL, I got there at 6:30 am and had to be triaged. I went to a room , and the nurse came and took blood and also gave me an IV, which I didn't think was necessary, but whatevs.
1 PA, 1 attending MD and 1 guy I have no idea who he was, later I saw my MD. Dr Shepard, is a sweet, soft spoken woman that can draw a mean uterus. She showed me where i was cut and why this could have happened. Basically they missed a spot, and the sperm is so small they can get through the tiny, very tiny, hole. Fabulous. But, this is "unlikely to happen again"…really lady. She agreed it sounded stupid even as she was saying it.. So in reality it can happen again.
She left to order the meds and i fell asleep . after a 12 hr shift i was shot. I woke up at 9:45…WTH!
I went out of the room and was assured I wasn't forgotten, there was a question about the dose. great.
Another MD came in to give me the injection. 2 actually, one in each butt cheek. She then told me I have to have labs on Saturday, and this Tuesday to see if the numbers are coming down. Then once a week until they are under 5. Expect some cramps and some light bleeding. OK I can handle that.
Finally I got to go home, with my sore arse…
I went with the hubby to look at a new car for me. (yay me, another post) and went to get the kids at camp at 1, just hung out the rest of the day. Very light spotting and no cramps..All Good..
Thursday came and we went to Toyota to look at another car (yay me) ..B had a game so we hung out at home at he pool. Still feeling ok, i can handle this.
Friday morning at 6am…Holy Sweet Baby Jesus…I woke up out of a dead sleep with horrible cramps and bleeding! Sweet mother, i was in pain. I stayed up, in fear of hemorrhaging in my sleep. This was not "some cramping and light bleeding" Thank you .
The whole day consists of Mortin, then Tylenol, bleeding and whining. Then the hubby leaves for CT for a baseball tournament. Worst. timing. ever.
I take the kids to dinner then Family Fun Night on main street. All the while taking meds and drinking peppermint tea to settle my cramps, which didn't work. and all i wanted to do was curl up into a ball, but of course couldn't while being the only parent here and all.
I broke down and called the Gyno at 9pm on friday. Oh its normal, she says…It means the med is working, she says…It should last 24 hrs, she says…well she lies! all day yesterday, again today, pure misery!
I was supposed to go to the beach today, but I am miserable. So i cancelled, to my daughters dismay.
The hubby is on his way home thank goodness. I have to work tonight so yay me.
I have the option to have my fallopian tubes removed so this doesn't happen again. But, that brings up a whole other group of problems i.e. early menopause, hormone therapy and basically being a bigger bitch than I already am.
I don't think my marriage would survive that honestly. So I'm back to labs and limbo.
I was supposed to go in, have a shot, get some labs and leave. WELLLL, I got there at 6:30 am and had to be triaged. I went to a room , and the nurse came and took blood and also gave me an IV, which I didn't think was necessary, but whatevs.
1 PA, 1 attending MD and 1 guy I have no idea who he was, later I saw my MD. Dr Shepard, is a sweet, soft spoken woman that can draw a mean uterus. She showed me where i was cut and why this could have happened. Basically they missed a spot, and the sperm is so small they can get through the tiny, very tiny, hole. Fabulous. But, this is "unlikely to happen again"…really lady. She agreed it sounded stupid even as she was saying it.. So in reality it can happen again.
She left to order the meds and i fell asleep . after a 12 hr shift i was shot. I woke up at 9:45…WTH!
I went out of the room and was assured I wasn't forgotten, there was a question about the dose. great.
Another MD came in to give me the injection. 2 actually, one in each butt cheek. She then told me I have to have labs on Saturday, and this Tuesday to see if the numbers are coming down. Then once a week until they are under 5. Expect some cramps and some light bleeding. OK I can handle that.
Finally I got to go home, with my sore arse…
I went with the hubby to look at a new car for me. (yay me, another post) and went to get the kids at camp at 1, just hung out the rest of the day. Very light spotting and no cramps..All Good..
Thursday came and we went to Toyota to look at another car (yay me) ..B had a game so we hung out at home at he pool. Still feeling ok, i can handle this.
Friday morning at 6am…Holy Sweet Baby Jesus…I woke up out of a dead sleep with horrible cramps and bleeding! Sweet mother, i was in pain. I stayed up, in fear of hemorrhaging in my sleep. This was not "some cramping and light bleeding" Thank you .
The whole day consists of Mortin, then Tylenol, bleeding and whining. Then the hubby leaves for CT for a baseball tournament. Worst. timing. ever.
I take the kids to dinner then Family Fun Night on main street. All the while taking meds and drinking peppermint tea to settle my cramps, which didn't work. and all i wanted to do was curl up into a ball, but of course couldn't while being the only parent here and all.
I broke down and called the Gyno at 9pm on friday. Oh its normal, she says…It means the med is working, she says…It should last 24 hrs, she says…well she lies! all day yesterday, again today, pure misery!
I was supposed to go to the beach today, but I am miserable. So i cancelled, to my daughters dismay.
The hubby is on his way home thank goodness. I have to work tonight so yay me.
I have the option to have my fallopian tubes removed so this doesn't happen again. But, that brings up a whole other group of problems i.e. early menopause, hormone therapy and basically being a bigger bitch than I already am.
I don't think my marriage would survive that honestly. So I'm back to labs and limbo.
Thursday, July 03, 2014
So I'm Pregnant!?
So I am pregnant. I think. Well I know I am, but it's not good, because I had my tubes tied in 2012…so not good.
I'll start from the beginning . I was supposed to start Shark Week, June 23rd..and didn't. That was a Monday…By Saturday I was peeing on a stick, 2 actually, and they came back negative. So a call to the gyno was in order. The NP called back and didn't seem to concerned about the whole thing. She faxed me a script to get lab work for a Beta HCG test, AKA a pregnancy test. I went on Monday, and also went for an ultrasound that showed nothing, because its too early to show anything , in any place. On Tues, I got a call that the results were 62..and in a non pg woman , it would be 5..Uhhh Ohhh.
However, its not a high enough number for a "normal" pregnancy, so she thinks its hanging out in the fallopian tubes. Yikes…I have no symptoms whats so ever.
Soooo, I went for labs again on Wednesday. I got a call from a DR, her name is DR. Lien.
She was very nice and explained the situation this way:
* my number is now 162, doubled but still not where it should be for a "normal" pregnancy.
* I have to go get labs every 48hrs for 2 weeks to see where my numbers go. Then go for an ultra sound , and hopefully it will show where this egg is hanging out.
* Then I have to go to the ER for an injection of a medication to take care of it from my tubes (if its there)
* If its actually in my Uterus, it probably won't be viable and I would need a different med for that.
* I would then need a Dye test to see WHY my tubes aren't completely tied, then i'm assuming i would have to go and get them "retied"
* Oh and if this egg is in my tubes and is too big I will have to get my tubes removed all together. But I won't know until this "situation" is resolved.
So now I'm floating around in Limbo…with no PG symptoms and no Period symptoms….just hanging.
I'll start from the beginning . I was supposed to start Shark Week, June 23rd..and didn't. That was a Monday…By Saturday I was peeing on a stick, 2 actually, and they came back negative. So a call to the gyno was in order. The NP called back and didn't seem to concerned about the whole thing. She faxed me a script to get lab work for a Beta HCG test, AKA a pregnancy test. I went on Monday, and also went for an ultrasound that showed nothing, because its too early to show anything , in any place. On Tues, I got a call that the results were 62..and in a non pg woman , it would be 5..Uhhh Ohhh.
However, its not a high enough number for a "normal" pregnancy, so she thinks its hanging out in the fallopian tubes. Yikes…I have no symptoms whats so ever.
Soooo, I went for labs again on Wednesday. I got a call from a DR, her name is DR. Lien.
She was very nice and explained the situation this way:
* my number is now 162, doubled but still not where it should be for a "normal" pregnancy.
* I have to go get labs every 48hrs for 2 weeks to see where my numbers go. Then go for an ultra sound , and hopefully it will show where this egg is hanging out.
* Then I have to go to the ER for an injection of a medication to take care of it from my tubes (if its there)
* If its actually in my Uterus, it probably won't be viable and I would need a different med for that.
* I would then need a Dye test to see WHY my tubes aren't completely tied, then i'm assuming i would have to go and get them "retied"
* Oh and if this egg is in my tubes and is too big I will have to get my tubes removed all together. But I won't know until this "situation" is resolved.
So now I'm floating around in Limbo…with no PG symptoms and no Period symptoms….just hanging.
Wednesday, June 04, 2014
Much Happier
Its been 2 months since I have written anything.
Honestly, the last post was a freakin bummer if I do say so myself, and I couldn't stand reading it every time I logged in.
The past few months have been rough for me. Some marital issues and anger and just plain blah has emerged..
Someone needs to tell the blahs that they need to go away in the spring…its for winter only!
So, now its June, and warm, and lovely, with sun and fun and pool time. I am clearly aware how the seasons effect by disposition.
Baseball season is in full swing. My son is awesome, but his team sucks…hate to say it but I think they named the movie "Bad News Bears" after his team, minus the winning at the end. I feel bad for my son, however, he isn't the best on the team by far, but he loves it and he is good .
The hubby started his baseball Coaching as well. It shows how much he truly loves it. He is so proud of his "guys". We always talked about when we had kids he wanted to coach his son in baseball. His dreams are starting to come true. He coaches the 17 yr olds now , but he has Nick at practice with him and coaches him as well. It shows, Nick has gotten so much better.
My girl is full on into Soccer. She has gotten so good!! Thats all on her coach Kelli, she has them playing all yr and it shows in how good she has gotten.
Im in the process of signing them up for summer camps..
Summer is in FULL swing!!
June is full of, Field day, 5th grade field trip, moving up ceremony and mama panicking over JR High…
Still Moving On…..
Honestly, the last post was a freakin bummer if I do say so myself, and I couldn't stand reading it every time I logged in.
The past few months have been rough for me. Some marital issues and anger and just plain blah has emerged..
Someone needs to tell the blahs that they need to go away in the spring…its for winter only!
So, now its June, and warm, and lovely, with sun and fun and pool time. I am clearly aware how the seasons effect by disposition.
Baseball season is in full swing. My son is awesome, but his team sucks…hate to say it but I think they named the movie "Bad News Bears" after his team, minus the winning at the end. I feel bad for my son, however, he isn't the best on the team by far, but he loves it and he is good .
The hubby started his baseball Coaching as well. It shows how much he truly loves it. He is so proud of his "guys". We always talked about when we had kids he wanted to coach his son in baseball. His dreams are starting to come true. He coaches the 17 yr olds now , but he has Nick at practice with him and coaches him as well. It shows, Nick has gotten so much better.
My girl is full on into Soccer. She has gotten so good!! Thats all on her coach Kelli, she has them playing all yr and it shows in how good she has gotten.
Im in the process of signing them up for summer camps..
Summer is in FULL swing!!
June is full of, Field day, 5th grade field trip, moving up ceremony and mama panicking over JR High…
Still Moving On…..
Wednesday, April 02, 2014
I Have to Believe…..
There is so much sadness going on .
I have to believe it will get better.
There is so much death in my life.
I have to believe it will get better.
Sometimes I feel the crazy never ends, the UPS the DOWNS, the blows don't stop
I have to believe it will get better.
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop…and It always drops..
I have to believe it will get better.
The Spring is here..the birds are chirping, the buds are popping through
It WILL get better
My family is loved, they love me unconditionally, UPS and DOWNS
It IS getting better
My love is my love FOREVER
It is the BEST.
I have to believe it will get better.
There is so much death in my life.
I have to believe it will get better.
Sometimes I feel the crazy never ends, the UPS the DOWNS, the blows don't stop
I have to believe it will get better.
Always waiting for the other shoe to drop…and It always drops..
I have to believe it will get better.
The Spring is here..the birds are chirping, the buds are popping through
It WILL get better
My family is loved, they love me unconditionally, UPS and DOWNS
It IS getting better
My love is my love FOREVER
It is the BEST.
Wednesday, February 05, 2014
It's that time again....
Its the worst time of the year again. February. I hate it. Seriously. Even though its the shortest month, its the saddest for me. (Although November is now a close 2nd)
My mom's 5year anniversary of her death is Feb 6th and my Mother in Laws 10th is Feb 12.
They were both great people, and loved so much, and taken way to soon.
My plans for my moms day is to go to a M.D. appt I have and then go by the cemetery, which is covered in snow now. My sister thinks its peaceful, I find it gloomy.
I find this whole crappy month gloomy actually.
There has been a lot of snow, and that includes sledding from my kids.
So if their happy, I'm
happy (sort of)
My mom's 5year anniversary of her death is Feb 6th and my Mother in Laws 10th is Feb 12.
They were both great people, and loved so much, and taken way to soon.
My plans for my moms day is to go to a M.D. appt I have and then go by the cemetery, which is covered in snow now. My sister thinks its peaceful, I find it gloomy.
I find this whole crappy month gloomy actually.
There has been a lot of snow, and that includes sledding from my kids.
So if their happy, I'm
happy (sort of)
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Sideways
I'm feeling sideways,
Not up and down, like normal people feel.
Sideways. My world was flipped around when my dad died, and when it landed, it did not land straight up at all.
I feel like, i'm in a dream state, like I am going through the motions of life because I have to, but I'm not really doing it.
I'm sad. A Lot. I cry on a whim (which I hate)
I have pictures in my head of my dad on the couch, with a blanket over his head and body, just his legs and feet out.
I am terrified that it will happen again to someone I love.
I need to straighten up, and get back on track. I'm tired of being sad, and feeling like I have a void in my life, that can't be filled.
I'm just Sideways
Not up and down, like normal people feel.
Sideways. My world was flipped around when my dad died, and when it landed, it did not land straight up at all.
I feel like, i'm in a dream state, like I am going through the motions of life because I have to, but I'm not really doing it.
I'm sad. A Lot. I cry on a whim (which I hate)
I have pictures in my head of my dad on the couch, with a blanket over his head and body, just his legs and feet out.
I am terrified that it will happen again to someone I love.
I need to straighten up, and get back on track. I'm tired of being sad, and feeling like I have a void in my life, that can't be filled.
I'm just Sideways
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