Daddy Oh Dad!!

                                                    Daddy oh Dad, what have you done
                                                       Where did you go to?
                                                        Where did you run?

                                                    We've spoken so briefly,
                                                      Hardly, at times

                                                     You were still my Daddy
                                                        You still were mine.
   
                                                      You left without a word,
                                                        Not one little goodbye

                                                       I can't believe you are not here...I can't
                                                            I can't try!

                                                      You left your family, your loved ones, your friends
                                                            Could this be it? Could this be the end?

                                                        I see you in my dreams,
                                                          Your voice in my head

                                                       I can't get you out
                                                         No proper GOODBYE was said.

                                                    I miss you daily...you're in my heart
                                                       Fly up to mom , and don't ever part!!

                                                       

Bucket Lists...HUH?

      I don't particularly understand nor do I like Bucket Lists.
I believe they are way too much pressure on a person. (I also feel the same about New Year's Resolutions, which is why I don't make them.)

So let me get this straight, It's a list of things you want to do before you DIE...DIE.. what if you don't get to all of it? Does your remaining family members have to finish the list?? Cuz I'm not bungee jumping anywhere yo.
And every time you do something on the list, or think about the list...you are thinking about DYING??
Well I DON'T LIKE IT.
Here is MY bucket list..
1. Get all the laundry finished before the week ends, and the baskets refill. ( I will definately die before this happens, who am I kidding??)
2. Make it to my next nail appt. without breaking a nail
3. Make it through food shopping at Pathmark without seeing someone shopping in their pajamas
4. Hopefully live long enough to see my children go more than a day without fighting with each other..
5. Go to Target, Stick to the list, make it out under $100 (God willing)
6. Clean my house and let it remain that way for more that 2 days. (my kids may have to move out for that one.)

So that is my mini Bucket List. That. I can handle.
Do you have a bucket list?? Whats on it??

Family and Summer...Great Mix

My Sister-in-Law and her kids came to visit in July. We had such a great time with them, that it made me very sad when they left. Usually I'm fine when family leaves, because they are usually on my nerves anyway. However, this visit made me sad because I realize how my kids don't have a lot of family around them.
My mom and mother in law, both are in heaven. My father is doing his own thing most of the time, as is my sister and niece. My Father-in-Law and his wife are around but his health isn't the greatest as of late. There are no other kids in the family besides my niece and nephew that are in Far Away Land Texas... :(  . They got along so well, and just blended like cousins should. My son LOVES my nephew and wants him to be his baby brother. My daughter took my niece under her wing, and bossed her around as only she can...

The rest of the summer went by so fast, it was ridiculous. Both kids had camp, which kept them very occupied, and off each others nerves for a while. The hubby had his baseball coaching, that kept him off my nerves for a while :) . We didn't go anywhere for vacation, just some beach trips, and went to Splish Splash. ( Do you wanna know how old you really are?? spend the day at Splish Splash!)

I am looking forward to the kids going back to school, just not the drama that goes along with it. But I am sad to see summer go..

Our 4 year Anniversary..

This summer has been busy so far, and the kids haven't even started camp yet. 
The Husband took on a position for assistant coach for a varsity baseball team. He loves it, but it certainly interferes with our life sometimes, Nick had baseball, and Sara had Soccer, any my work schedule changed AGAIN... (it's only July BTW)

For example out anniversary. Its July 3rd , and I was finally off from work, and could maybe celebrate ON THE DAY. That rarely happens . But, his team had a game, so alas. we are going to celebrate on Saturday, July 6. 
Dinner and a movie, it is. It could be sandwiches and netflix on his phone, as long as we were out of the house, alone, with NO kids, just ourselves. Our Married for 4 years, selves.
It seems much longer, but I guess, being that  we have been together for 13 yrs, (minus3), it has been longer.
 I have to say, this years road has been a rocky and winding one. (mainly because I was drunk all of the time, NO im kidding, not the whole time anyway.)

 We have had family drama, (as per the usual), new tenants move in, and a construction done in that house. ( money stress). Sickness, (his dad) and our own little relationship issue that I won't get into here. 
I would hope that it has made our marriage stronger, since we have been through just about everything a relationship can go through at this point.
I still Love and Adore him and our life.
4yrs doesn't seem like a long time, but in OUR case, it's a lifetime.

My Mother's Day

     I love being a Mom. I really do. And not just cuz there is 1 day set aside to appreciate me and all I do and to get gifts and stuff. (gifts are always good)

     I did get a wonderful gift from my family. Its an Oragomi Owl necklace. Its a round necklace that you can put your favorite charms in. I was impressed cuz the hubby did this without any prompting from me, in fact I had no idea he even knew this existed. So the charms he picked were: a turquoise and a diamond charm (kids stones) a key with a heart (me and him) a puppy paw, a nurse symbol, a book, and a mom charm. All the things I love. Very impressive Honey.

     Aside from the cool gift, my kids are truly my gift.

The way my , way too tall, son comes to sit on my lap and snuggle on the couch. All his limbs everywhere because he just doesn't fit, but he just "wants to snuggle".

The way my daughter was talking to me before work on the porch, her beautiful blond hair loose in the braid I just made her. Telling me an animated story from school, the sun hitting her face, as her blue eyes sparkle and the flecks of yellow bright. 

The way, my son puts his arm out in the bed when I wake him up in the morning, so I can lay down with him and he wraps his arm around me. (stall tactic I know), breathing his dragon morning breath on me...

The wonderful Mother's Day card my daughter gave me that says she "loves my smiles and giggles and love".

I just love them so much, and my life is so much better with them in it. 

My Man

     He is the funniest person I know (besides myself of course)
     We have been through some stuff! Ups and Downs, forwards and backwards, births and deaths, marriages, divorces, ex's, family drama, kid drama. The works.
      My best friend for sure. My therapist, my entertainment, my biggest fan (as I am his), my sounding board, my rock through the storms, my heart is his, and he knows my soul.
      He would give the shirt off his back for you. And I would gladly snuggle inside of it.
      He is a great father, and my kids are very lucky to have him, as am I.
My life wasn't the same without him in it.
And I'm so glad he is.
The Love of my life now and Always
     

My Baby Girl....

She is just like me in so many ways, and my mother wished her on me. I hope i didn't torture my mother as she does me.
She has a spark to her, a light that shines so bright.
She argues like a seasoned lawyer
Makes valid points
And always wants her way.

Her smile lights a room and her beautiful eyes, with flecks of yellow in blue, sparkle at times.
She loves her music, her dance, her energy.
She is 8 yrs old now. She has the other half of my heart in her little palm of her hand.
My baby girl, my world.

My Baby is 10!

He was such an easy baby. Always laughing and playing. Very social and lovable .
He is no longer my "baby". He's 10 now. I have had this love in my life for 10 whole years.
Hes so funny
Hes soooo Smart!
Quick witted , loves games, any kind, mostly video. He loves board games, and recently gotten into Monopoly. 
He loves Math, and numbers.
He is active. Loves his sports. Rocks at football & baseball. Loves anything WWE.
Wants to be a wrestler when he grows up.
Loves his family. A bit of a mamas boy (I don't mind)
Got over his fear of animals, and is in love with our puppy.
He is a shining star in my life. My first born baby, that can go anywhere and do anything he wants in life. I love him more than life. 
I'm so happy he's mine.

Gone But Never Forgotten

Hi Mom,
    You have been gone for 4 yrs today. I will never forget the phone call from Dad saying that he thinks you are gone.I got to your apt in record time, just to see you laying there looking like you were asleep.I think about that night often. The details are so vivid still. They sent 2 VERY old men to take you out of the apt, and I couldn't help but think that if you were alive, we would be laughing at how old these poor guys were, and they had to lift you and carry you and a stretcher up the stairs.
I really miss your sense of humor. I definitely got mine from you. I still laugh inappropriately at things , and think how I can't wait to tell you, just to realize I can't. I miss our "double talk" we used to do, although I could never speak as fast as you could. It used to make dad SOOO mad that he couldn't understand us.
    Your wish came true, and my Sara is EXACTLY like me! She makes me nuts, but she is so funny and charming but has to have the last word! I tell her all the time how you used to get so mad at me for that. She loves stories I tell of you. When I went to your grave for your birthday, she asked me to say a prayer for you. She is a thoughtful child that way.
   Things have gone a little off track since you have been gone. I don't know if you could have done anything about it if you were here, but you could definitely been another opinion and voice of reason for dad. Lately I have been playing grown up and I don't like it. The two oldest people in this family , the ones that should know better, dropped the ball. It is what it is and they will find their way in there own time.
   There are so many things I miss about you. The way you answered the phone, with that "Hello" twang. The times I would come over for coffee in the morning to catch up. Asking you cooking questions for sure! I really miss you not being here to see your grandkids grow up. They are doing so great and they are so awesome. You would be proud of them.Sara is a spitting image of me, and Nick of Bryan. It's scary really..
   I regret not talking to you as much as I could of when you were in Fl. You used to complain that I never had time on the phone. ( which was true, I had 2 little kids). But I feel that I missed out so much time talking with you, that I only realized after you were gone. (Isn't that always the way)
  I will always be glad and grateful that I was able to have you stay with me for a while, and that I was able to take off from work and take care of you in your last few  days with us.
I think about you often, I miss you all the time. I love you xxoo 

And Coming Back Down

I was so pissed last week. I went up 1.6lbs after a good week and excersize. 

So this week, I decided to do the opposite , kinda. I still ate better but refused to excersize. Ok maybe refused is a strong work. Its more like I didn't have time and I was kinda bummed out anyway.

So I weigh in today and tad a! down 3.6!! OOOkkkk don't know how that happened. I kinda do I guess cuz i do watch what I eat, but i was surprised. Pleasantly so. 

Yay me. So now I'm on week 3. and I got my 5lb down sticker. 5.2 to be exact. Now lets see if I can do it again next week.

Going Up!

So i weighed in today and i went up 1.4lbs. It is so frustrating, because I thought I did so well this week. I excersized 4 times this week. It was my hubbys birthday and i did have a piece of cake but I accounted for it i thought. Grrrr. I was so mad all day today. I guess I have to try harder this week.

Moving On... [Edit] Here we go again (last time) Edit, Remove Written by stacyo40 (stacy) on 1/20/2013 4:00 AM I'll be the first one to say that I am a chronic dieter. One day I would wake up and be all like.."i think i wanna be skinny" and then I start to "diet" or my version of it anyway. That would last a week maybe or two. Then I try to get my husband on board and since he knows me so well he would be like "ok babe I'll diet with you" and then roll his eyes all up inside his head... Even my kids know me. My 7 yr old girl would say..."but mommy you aren't fat"... don't know if she is really seeing me like that or if she doesn't want to get dragged to weigh ins and meetings with me. (she's 7, she's conniving). Anywho..this time is for real...no really. Its winter, my jeans are tight, my bras are tight. The only thing NOT tight is my **** .. Ahem...well a friend of mine has also joined and we are walking together in the morning. I must be for real cuz its 30 degrees here yo! So my first weigh in passed on Wed, and I have to say i was nervous. I started on a Wed and then worked nights Thur-Sat. I have been confused with the points on the night shift. I figure my points all day thurs, then when I get to work I TRY not to eat until Midnight so I can track it for Friday. NEVER works cuz by 10pm I'm hungry. So i pack a snack for 10pm. I eat my "dinner, lunch, breakfast" whatever to call it...at midnight, and track it on Fridays points, since technically it IS Friday. I didn't think that was going to work, but LO and BEHOLD weigh in proved that it was. I lost 3 lbs the first week. Now I know its "water" weight, but I don't care! Honestly don't. It's down, not up and thats all I care about. Because my poor friend that joined with me went UP .6 HER FIRST WEEK. Poor thing. I felt bad for her really, cuz she tried. Hard. So here I go again...and I promise its my last time. If it don't do it right this time, i resign to be chubby forever and ever and ever.....Moving on!!

Disappointment

I Love my life now.
That has not always been the case however.
I have had a lot of disappointments in my life. 
Although, my childhood wasn't "bad" it wasn't stable in the least. A lot of moving, and lack of financial stability.
I have had good relationships growing up , but my first marriage was a failure, and my second one was close. Thank God that was put back together properly.

I always thought I had a close knit family. We had some ups and downs like all families, but we always remembered that we were family. It feels that ever since my mom passed away, people in my family just lost their dam minds.
I am used to the disappointments from my family by now, but this takes the cake.
I almost want to just wash my hands of them, and all their drama.
I'm tired of being the rational one
I'm tired of being the voice of reason
I'm tired of being the one that always has to make the right choices. Be the "grownup"..
I'm just tired.

My New Job

 I started a new job in home care with a company called Bayada. They are a very nice company that really cares for their clients and their staff. (so far). I'm just saying that I always like a place when I first start and then something comes up and WHAM! Hating it.
  I have never worked in a place or a company that doesn't have co-workers I can talk to...anyone. 
Its not exactly a BAD thing, because you know, drama free. But sometimes it gets a tad lonely. Im a talker and a joker and a people person, so to just talk to the family member for a short time, and my patient takes some getting used to.
  That being said, I like it. I like the clients, the pay and my schedule for now. I have missed almost all of Nicks football games because I work Saturday into sunday and mama needs her sleep!. That stinks, but hopefully next season will be better.
   I am currently in a happy place in my life. xxoo
Keep Moving On.....

I'm 40...Holy Crap

OK. Just for the record, I don't think I LOOK 40. Not that I know what 40 really looks like. A lot of my friends are 40 and they look younger, so I'm lumping myself in with them.
However, I FEEL older than 40. I have aches and pains that my mother complained about in her 60's. But then again, Im getting acne like I did when I was 15 so....Hmmmm

Anyway, The 30s where a CRAZY  bunch of 10 yrs yo.
Lets start with 31...pregnant with Nick and got married (first time) So that was a great year!! 32 moved into our new house, after waiting for it to be rebuilt after it burned down Hmmmm, still good. But lost my mother in law to cancer. Not so good.
33 had Sara... yay good! 34 me and the hubby broke up and got divorced so NOT a good year. 35 & 36 were pretty crappy years, a lot of struggling being a single mom and working f/t. My mom had cancer as well and came to live with me before she died. 37 Mom died and me and the hubby worked things out, got back together and remarried..yay Very bitter sweet year.....38 got a job I loved at a hospital, took our first family vacation ever!! 39 1/2 lost a job i loved in a hospital. Currently working at a job i love in Home Care.(fingers crossed).

At 40 I can honestly say i feel content. I am very happy in my marriage, and my family life. My career is good, as is my husbands. My kids are healthy and happy. I have some regrets with some decisions I made in my 30s but now I am embarking on a new decade. 
I will work on being happier and healthier, the best wife and mother I can be.
Happy Birthday to Me!!

I Don't Understand ....

    When me and the husband decided to start dating and then eventually marry again, there was a lot of talks. I mean ALOT. There were things to go over, and hash out . We spoke about what went on in our marriage . What went wrong and what went right.
   The decision to start to date again, came after coffee dates, and talks. It wasn't a decision that we jumped into. He didn't immediately stay overnight, we didn't tell the kids or even my family.
   When we finally decided that it was what we wanted, that our happiness and our family was worth another try, we told everyone. Mostly everyone was supportive. There are always the few people who will have their doubts and questions. The ones that were there when it fell apart and stayed by me and saw the hurt, and anger. The true friends. Eventually they saw that we both changed and it was right. We are the loves of each others lives, and there is truly none else out there for the other one.
But, there is always that one (or even 2) haters that have so much to say, about things that they have no idea about.
This person/people are cowards of the worse kind. They spew poison and hate wherever they go. Their lives are so empty and sad that their happiness comes from trying to make others unhappy.
I am sure that I am not the only one.
But heres the thing. Ain't gonna happen. You can say the worst of the worst and none will believe you.
We fought so hard and been through too much to let some Cancer infect our lives.
So good luck and Good riddance

Everything Happens for a Reason...Really??

     My whole life, I've always believed that everything happens for a reason. I say it so much, that my sister actually says it before me! ( "I know I know, everything happens for a reason right??")
For instance:
     If I didn't marry my first crappy husband, I would never have met the wonderful husband I have now.
     If I didn't start to work as a CNA with my mom at the age of 17, I wouldn't have ever decided to become the awesome nurse I am today.
     If my mom didn't have an unresponsive episode, we would never have known that the cancer spread to her brain.

There are tons more examples, but you get my drift.
So when I lost my job at the hospital at the end of July, after I cried of course,I thought to myself "well here we go again, everything happens for a reason"

At this moment, I just don't know what that reason could be. Bryan just bought a truck, that he picked up the week before, we were planning a trip to Hershey Park that would set us back a few hundred bucks, and school is starting soon. Which is a horrible time to start a new schedule.

After the initial first few weeks, I started to settle into a bit of a routine. I searched online and put out applications for jobs right away. My theory was, I wanted to start a new job as quickly as possible so I can have a routine for the kids before school starts, and I didn't want to start to get too comfortable being at home, being that being a SAHM was out of the question right now.

Well neither worked out.
I finally start orientation on Aug 29th for a home care agency that I joined that has a good rep and decent money. I probably should of called them first, but I was thinking of home care as a last resort of sorts.
Plus, I AM getting used to being at home,and I like it. A lot. *sigh*
The more I think about it, maybe the agency is better. I can pick and choose my days and hours, which is a plus. 
So I can spend more time with the family.
Hmmmm could that be the reason?

OH LUCY...YOU GOT SOME 'SPLAINING TO DO!!

We got a new addition to our house. She is black and white and so freaking cute I want to bite her face. However, she is too busy biting mine!
Her name is Lucy and she is a Corgie mix puppy.
She found my hubby at the rescue and their eyes met across a crowded kennel...it was love and first lick.
My kids are in love, I am in love, and Bryan may not admit it, but so is he.
She makes our little family complete and once I can figure out how to upload pictures I will post some here.

My Baby Girl is 7!

She is smart, sassy, beautiful, sarcastic, funny, aggravating, spunky, determined, talented, stubborn and she is all me!

I love her like anyone can love another person. She is a shining star in my world, my heart and soul and my life wouldn't be complete without her. She is 7 now, and all mine!!
Love you baby girl, and Happy Birthday

To My Son

 Happy Birthday!

To my amazing boy.
You are the first best thing that happened to me in my life. It was 9 years ago, you came into my life. You were so beautiful and perfect and you still are.
Your life is so full of wonderful  things, including your sister, baseball, karate, your friends and your family. You bring so much joy and fun to our lives.
The day you were born ,my life got significantly better. I hope I bring you as much joy and love you bring me.
I love you my Nicky Boy xxoo