I don't think that i mentioned that dad is home. He did have a minor heart attack, and he does have some anxiety issues. Gee can't imagine why. They sent him home with some xanax for nerves, and new heart meds. He has been doing good since he has been home. He does have alot of moments when he looks and sounds sad. It has been 3weeks now, and i can't imagine him not feeling sad. I do, on a regular basis.
I went to the cemetery on Friday and brought mom flowers. It hit me like a ton of bricks, just looking down at a mound of dirt and seeing her name there. i just felt such a huge void when i left there.
So a few other things are going on here.
Well me and the b-friend broke up a couple weeks ago. I think i blogged about that last week.
My ex and his g-friend broke up before that. He moved out of the bedroom and moved upstairs in their house. Which i didnt know at the time of the b-friend breakup
So here it comes......................
We are dating,,,,a little,,,,,OK a lot
Long story short, he is moving out as soon as she pays him the money from the downpament. (alot of money)
He is getting his own place, not here.
We talk daily, all we do is talk and talk and talk. About the past, the possible future and of course the present.
I could be setting myself up for a huge heartache, but right now its just one cuppa coffee at a time.
I know this: I miss him, i never really stopped loving him, even through all the hurt and anger, and i KNOW he feels the same, if not more. He is the one racked with guilt, and is very hard on himself. I tell him on a regular basis that what she is doing to him he deserves.
She is OCD, controlling, and mean. She resents him having the kids and the time he spends with them. Thats just the tip, but he deserves the pain. He asked for it, leaving his family.
She doesnt know he sees me besides when he gets the kids. it would definetly piss her off and probably make her hold onto the money longer. So right now we are on the down low... Its frustrating at best not to be able to talk to him when i want, but it is what it is.
I want my family back in the worse way, but i WILLNOT under any circumstances set my self up for pain, and heartache again. Thats why we are going very slow, by just getting coffee and we did go to dinner once too. It was very fun.
I pray on a regular basis to give me a sign that this is going to work and that i am doing the right thing. But for the first time in a very long time, I feel settled and calm in my life. Even though there things still up in the air, it just feels right.
Wish me luck...
Moving on.....hopefully in the right direction