Letter to Mom

Dear Mom,

I miss you. Happy Birthday, I hope you are happy in heaven. I know you are looking over me because I get hurt everytime I say or do something mean. I know its you trying to keep me a good person like you did in life.
There are so many things that are going on in my life that I wish I could just sit down and tell you about.
My life is very happy now. You didnt get to see me happy, or my family put back together before you died. I am so angry and sad about that. People tell me that you know, because you see me in heaven, but I dont want that! I want to be able to see you and tell you myself.
My Sara is just like me. Remember when I was 13 or so and you said that you wished I had a girl JUST LIKE ME to torture me. Well it happened. She is loud and funny and excitable. She is full of life and love and energy. She has such a smart mouth and has to have the last word! ( is that familiar?)
My Nick is so cute, and funny and smart. He is quiet and brooding, and loud and exciting. He is so sensitive at times, he reminds me of Lou.
Me and Bryan are amazing. Our marriage is great, our life is full of love, and happiness, and fun. We of course have our arguments but they come and go.
Dad is doing ok. I know he has his sad moments, but he keeps himself busy.
Luann is doing the best she can, and Stacieann is doing good. She is in school and trying to find a job. She goes through her phases.
I saw Joe and Margaret last year when we went to florida. Hes in a bit of trouble now, but they will make it through, I know.
Louis is still with Laura although I'm still not sure why. I'm not sure how happy he is. Because of the situations that happened we dont talk much and we hardly ever see eachother. It was always what Laura wanted and she finally succeded. It is what it is and it makes me sad.
Yesterday you have been gone 3 years. It went very fast, I feel. I miss you daily, but it hit me hard for some reason yesterday.
I love and mis you, and I hope you are happy. Bits and pieces of your life will play in my mind at times and it makes me happy and sad.
I miss our special language we had that used to make dad so mad when we talked at the table and he didnt know what we were saying.
I miss playing canasta with you and dad. Although me, dad and luann play dominos and drink wine and have fun at times.
I miss sitting and having coffee with you and chatting.
I was remembering the other day, when you changed Nick as a newborn and he peed on you and you got mad. like you didnt have boys of your own.
I saw a movie coming out that I knew you would love, and I couldnt tell you.
So many memories flood my mind at times that it hurts to think of it, and sometimes I laugh out loud at some of them.
You will always be in my heart and my mind. I love and miss you mom. xxoo

I Haven't Cried Yet..

I haven't cried yet. I don't feel like I have to either. That is wierd to me. The weeks prior to the tubal I was having dreams. Many of them. Very wierd baby dreams, even Nick had a dream I was pregnant. I was feeling sad, and like I was going to be missing out on something. I truly felt in my heart that I wasn't finished having babies. As crazy as my life is, and as bad as my kids were being at the time, I still had that feeling.
So Tuesday was THE DAY.. We went to The Ambulatory Center at Stonybrook . They were all very nice. I waited about 10 min to go in, the RN was with me immedietly. I met everyone that will be involved in the surgery, including the cute, young, med student. Ugggg. It was very fast and very professional. I have to say I had absolutely NO complaints about the place. I was in and out in the time they said, and the pain was what they said it would be. The worse part was the head cold I was getting and got full on, that night. It really knocked me out, so between that and the surgery pain, I have felt pretty useless. Today is the first day that I have felt close to normal. The pain is down to an ache now and my head cold isnt bad at all.
I am waiting for the longing, and saddness to kick in, Even Bryan was surprised that I wasn't a mess. I guess I am relieved that I'm not. I suppose the anticipation was worse than the actual act.
I Still love the babies, but now I can just give them back...
I have come to realize that my family is perfect the way it is, and we are all just Moving On....

I used to be so much better....

I used to be so much better at blogging then this. I guess it's because when I started blogging it was when my life was in shambles and my marriage was falling (or fell ) apart and I had alot to vent about.
Now my life is great, so I should be blogging happy things. ...sigh..I'll try harder..
OK so since the last post, The kids started school. Sara started Gymnastics, and dance again. Bryan re-started work, and I decided to get my tubes tied next week.
Sara LOVES her teacher, Mrs Popal. She is still in the spanish/english class and is doing so well. We recieved a voicemail from her teacher about how well she is doing. We really are so proud of her, but I still think she is a 15 yr old girl trapped in a 6yr olds body.
Nick claims he "hates " school. He is thriving in math. He loathes spelling but loves reading. The classes are way too big now, they excessed a ton of teaching jobs. He has 29 kids in his class. He's lucky we are as involved as we are with his education or he would be lost.
So next Tuesday I'm getting my tubes tied....sigh...I am SOOOO torn about this.
When me and Bryan got back together, I made a comment about having a "get back together baby". He took it as a joke, and I guess a part of me was joking and the other part not.
For some reason, I feel like I'm not finished. I know that I am 39 and would be considered "high risk" and all that crap but I cant help the way I feel.
Bryan thinks I am trying to fill a void or that something is missing in my life. I dont feel that.
We had this conversation a few times and it never ends well. I think I was holding out hope that he would change his mind, but that is how he feels, and I have to respect that. He has very valid reasons to feel that way. So tuesday it is. I need to get rid of my IUD and I am in a crossroads.
Life is good right now. Bryan likes his classes. I am still trying to get a LPN position back. I put in for a position in the hospital and I am waiting to hear something. Fingers crossed. I dont want to have to leave and get another job, but I cant be a tech forever, no matter how much I like dialysis. Another crossroad.
I can't believe its almost November and the holidays are approaching. It went too fast I think. We are thinking about our next vacation, probably in April. We may travel to Myrtle Beach in Feb with the kids. Still in the talking phase.
Well that is about all that is major going on here.
I will try to be a better blogger in the future
Still Moving On....

Summer Summer Summer...summer Time!!!

Im ending my vacation today. I was on vacation all week and it was very busy.

Sunday we had the kids Birthday Pool Prty. alot of fun., only 12 kids which was nice, not overwhelming. They got some nice gifts.

Monday we went to Smithpoint beach. I was nervous because they have never been to the ocean, and they are used to just jumping into the water. I had to set down the rules for them.

Needless to say, they were fine and LOVED it. No fear whatsoever, which is scary too. They had an amazing time.

Tuesday I had a Dr appt, so afterwards we went to the Ecology site. We had a play date afterwards with my friend Julie and her kids. The kids had a great time. Love playdates!

Wed. we all went to the Atlantis Aquarium. Sara has never been there, so she was SOOO excited. They both loved it. They walked in a salt marsh, picked up crabs and water snails. They went on a ride very far up in the sky to see the whole aquarium. I stayed on the ground (safely) and took pictures .. We saw a sea lion show, she touched a sting ray, and they loved the sharks

Thurs. We went to Splish splash with my friend Liz and her daughter and niece. What a blast!! an exhausting blast....I just may be getting too old for that place.

Friday was a stay at home playdate cuz momma was too tired to move....

Nick and Sara both had friends over. Its good for us to do it that way so noone feels left out.

Saturday was a stay at home day too, but I had to get my oil changed in the car so I DID have to move for a while.

We took Sara to nana Beths and Oaks for a sleep over. She had a great time, I was a little lonely. It was quiet though, I have to admit.

Sunday we had to go to NJ for Nicks first Karate Tournament. Not too bad of a a ride, long day. It was fun watching everyone from different schools do their Karate.

Nick went up with his group, and he forgot some moves. So did a few others, so it wasnt so bad. He got little confused as to which form he was doing. He got a 4th place medal. So proud of him. He will go to others and just get better.

I'm taking Sara to a trial at a gymnastics place. She wants to try it out. She is already signed up for dance for September.

I cant believe it is almost August already. It is going by too fast. It hs been such a fun summer so far, I dont want it to end...

First Family Trip

Florida was amazing, truly amazing.

I was a little (ok alot) leery about the kids on the plane. I have to say, they were great. They hung out at the gate, read, played games till it was time to go. They were excited on take off, not sick at all. (ps. when i was 6, i threw my guts up on a plane) Sara loved looking out the window, she thought it was so cool.

Landing in Orlando and dragging around our luggage sucked! big time. I know it had to be done, but still. We rented a Town and Country min van which I loved.

The room was beautiful. 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, deck outside.

Aunt Sherry and her kids, and grandson came to hang with us at the pool. The pool was beautiful, water fall cliffs, volleyball net, cabanas. The kids loved it.

Sunday, we went to Disney Magic Kingdom. We took a little shuttle from where the parking lot was to the ticket booth, then we took a boat over to Magic Kingdom. I told Sara, Planes Trains and automobiles, now she can say she has been on them all!

We had a Princess breakfast lined up, that was great. We met Cinderella first thing. Then during breakfast we met Ariel, Belle, Sleeping Beauty, and Snow white.

We then walked around the park, got characters autographs, hit some rides, saw a parade, they had a blast. But by 4 pm they were exhausted and done. Alot of waiting in lines.

Monday we dubbed it a pool day. We hung out by the pool, and found another pool in the area that had a big slide. They had a blast.

Tuesday we were supposed to go to Hollywood Studios. Well Nick woke up with a fever and sore throat that he has been fighting for a day or so. The fever was new and he was crying in pain. I called the front and they had a DR that would come to the room. She was very nice. The results were, Nick had Strep. Great...on vaca of course! So change of plans. B went golfing and we went to the pool. Nick had to stay out, and he was a trooper about it.

Wed we did Hollywood Studio. It was great, and by far my favorite. Characters, parades, alot of shows. I loved it, the kids hated the lines, but liked the shows once we got in.

Journey under the Sea with Ariel, Muppet's in 3D, was fun.

I also got a charm for my bracelet at Hollywood studios. Adorable mickey and Minny one.

Thursday my Brother and nephew came for a visit, we hung out at the pool and went to dinner later. It was so good to see him. I missed him and Anthony so much.

Friday was the day to leave. Nick told me he was 50% happy to leave and 50% sad.. I agreed totally. I was very excited to get home, because while we were gone, the inside of the house was being painted.

The airport was a nightmare again, but we made it through. The plane ride was tough, alot of kids and noise. They lost one of our bags, but we got it back at midnight last night.

My house looks amazing, but I have to spend the weekend putting it back together.

So glad to be home, our first family trip was a success!!

Life

My life is pretty good right now. I am sitting here looking out my back window staring at a pool, that I cant wait to open.
We are planning a family vacation, that will be so much fun...
I love my husband more now than the day I married him (the 2nd time)
My kids are great, smart, funny children. I realize how good they are when I am around other children that arent so good. I cherish them.

My life is pretty good right now...

Update....

A few things that has been going on here.

* My moms birthday came and went. I worked, I was sad, I moved on.
* My moms death day came and went. I worked, I was sad, I moved on.
* I decided we needed a cleaning lady. She started on Tues. Every other Tues will be the best day of my life. It was like a new house. It is still pretty clean too. Nice.
* We are 14 days away from going to Florida. Disney to be exact. I CANNOT wait. I am so excited. I havent started packing yet, but I have made a list....baby steps
*My sis and dad are still living next door. As far as I know, they are both alive, but not in perfect harmony...Its hard living with a parent when you havent in years. They will be fine.
* My sons birthday is this month. He will be 8 and he can almost lay his head on my shoulder. STANDING. He is a giant. I love him to pieces..
* Right now we are getting a chair rail in the dining room. When we are on vaca we will be having the downstairs painted. I cant wait. I dont know if I am more excited about vaca or coming home to a brand new painted house.
* We all have cabin fever. No one wants to be inside anymore. The school has been doing some fun stuff which is good. It gets the kids out of the house for a while.
That about sums it up for now...