Saturday, March 07, 2009

One month gone........

Yesterday was a month that mom has been gone. A MONTH, OMG it feels like a year already. Dad and the bro and sis are going to order a plaque for her gravesite.

The saddness is still all around, and the emptiness. I still expect to hear her "hello" with the twang she used when answering the phone. I havent erased her cell number from my phone yet even though i know it has been disconnected. If i did, she will be disconnected from me i think. (man i'm crazy)
My sister and i "spoke" via text (is that still talking??) and she was telling me how she cries regularly especially before bed when its quiet and she can sit and think.
I told her i don't.
She said she thinks we should talk to someone about our grief.
I told her i dont need to.
She thinks there is something wrong with her because i don't
I think there is something wrong with me because i don't.
I know everyone grieves differently. I cry very small tears in very rare times
She sobs continously, whenever it hits. Thats just not me.
Who's right?? Who knows. Neither i think, and neither is wrong. We are both just grieving our own way.
Sometimes i wish i were more like her in her grieving, and i KNOW she feels the same about me.
All i do know is, when i think about her, i feel an empty hole in my heart. Sometimes it warrants crying, and sometimes not. But the fact remains that i miss her at every turn, and every breath.
I love you mom...

1 comment:

~Denise AKA NYNative said...

I still have my mom's number in my cell phone and on speed dial (#5 cuz its right in the middle)... and I've had 3 different phones since she has passed away. I totally understand the afraid to 'disconnect' feeling.

love you and call me ANYTIME you need to chat about anything, I'll listen.