Sunday, February 08, 2009

She's Gone....gone....gone....

This is the hardest thing I ever had to do.
Harder than labor (something good coming in)
Harder than divorce (something bad going out)
She lost her fight on Friday morning. 3AM. Cold night, still snow on the ground.
Regardless of where she was, or what was taking place, she still looked beautiful to me. Peaceful, serine.
We had the Wake yesterday. Alot of family and friends. Mine, and hers, my siblings and my fathers. Alot of support. It was all needed, I assure you.
We put things in the casket with her. Pictures, flowers.
I wanted to get in too.
I didn't cry. I couldn't. I don't know why. Maybe it is a movie, a dream. Certainly not happening to me.
Because tomorrow when i want to make sauce and meatballs, and i forget how many cans of sauce i need, i will call her. Like i always do, and she will walk me through it, like she always dose.
On Tuesday Dad want me to and my sister to pack up her stuff. Take what we want, and put away the rest. Wow, thats going to be hard.
My mom hates change. Hates it! Boy she must be hating this. But i do know one thing. She loves her kids. loves, loves, loves. And the grandkids were her joy.
And in the end, we were all together, in her room, not fighting, just talking and joking and loving her.
She really was the best mom. She had 4 kids with 4 totally different personalities and she loved us all unconditionally. Never asked anyone of us to change ourselves for her or the family. She took us all in stride.
The anxiety ridden one,
The strong, mouthy one
The Sensitive one
The Rebel
I will miss her so much, I already do. For so many different reasons.
My daughter asked me on Friday if grandma is dead yet?? Is she in Heaven yet?? (shes 3)
I told her she is in Heaven with her other Grandma. That satisfied her. Didn't satisfy me. I want her here with me. Dancing the Lindy.
She in my heart always.

Cancer you SUCK

1 comment:

Tina said...

Your mom will be missed greatly. You know how much she meant to me. She had the biggest heart and was accepting of everyone. If there is anything I can do please let me know. I agree cancer sucks!!!!!! It takes too many special people who try to fight it; however, it always wins out. Love you guys and I am here if you need anything (babysitter, an ear to listen, or shoulder to cry on).